


Genghis Khan

by BadAtPennames



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - James Bond Fusion, Evil geniuses, Humor, Lasers, M/M, One very majestic car (deceased), Secret Lairs, Underpaid Lieutenant, secret agents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-11 11:32:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11147538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadAtPennames/pseuds/BadAtPennames
Summary: Eren is an evil genius and Levi is the secret agent assigned to go after him.





	Genghis Khan

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Genghis Khan](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/298005) by Miike Snow. 



> Cleaning out some folders and found this from maybe a year ago. Time has not made it less ridiculous to me. 
> 
> I recommend watching the video this was inspired by if for no other reason than it's a catchy song. Also, if you appreciate the humor in it, you will appreciate the humor in this.

“How long until the laser is operational?” Eren asked, looking completely unaffected by the heat despite his high-collared jacket, buttoned all the way up.

“Twenty-four hours as long as everything goes to plan, Dr. Jaeger” Lieutenant Arlert reported, not even needing to check the notes on his clipboard.  Honestly, everything was on his phone and he could receive updates in real-time, but he had long ago found that carrying a clipboard around made him look more official.

“Excellent,” he replied, eyeing the large, metal cylinder that his uniformed men were currently crawling all over with soldering irons and acetylene torches as they made final construction efforts.  It was mounted on a wide base spanning twenty paces, a giant masterpiece of destruction perched radiantly at the top of his mountain lair in the Caribbean.

A swell of pride filled Eren when after months of work and preparation they were so close to launching their plan.  He had dotted every ‘i’ and crossed every ‘t’ as he checked and rechecked each step to be carried out.  There was really only one thing unaccounted for and it was enough to dampen his spirits with a sour roiling in his gut.

“What about Mr. Ackerman?  Do we know where he is?”  The MI6 agent had a knack for turning up at just the right moment to foil his schemes and destroying his super weapons then blowing up his bases for kicks on the way out.

“I sent Mikasa to intercept him on his way to our island.  Rumor has it Levi Ackerman can’t resist a beautiful woman.” 

Eren began to nod, then paused.

“They have the same last name, don’t they?”

“Uh, yes,” the lieutenant admitted, “but Ackerman is a very common surname.  They probably aren’t related.”

“Still, it’s kind of weird.”

Armin bit his bottom lip.  He too had been a little creeped out by it when he had ordered the beautiful assassin to seduce and kill the double-oh agent.  Mikasa hadn’t seemed bothered, her dark eyes as inscrutable as ever as she wordlessly accepted her assignment.  Right now she was most likely dutifully charming the secret agent over glasses of champagne on a yacht.

Or wherever beautiful world-class assassins charmed promiscuous intelligence agents.

“The important thing is that Mikasa has never failed us,” the lieutenant struggled to get back on track.  Really, considering Mikasa’s record and her unwavering devotion to Dr. Jaeger, it was a bit of an oversight that they had never before sent her to eliminate Levi Ackerman.  He had, after all, gotten in the way of three previous plans, all of them brilliantly crafted between himself and the esteemed doctor. 

Interestingly enough, Dr. Jaeger’s degree was not in any applied science, but rather European Literature. 

The laser building and biological death viruses had been more of a hobby while he completed his studies.  The world ransoming and nuclear-explosion triggered super quakes had come later.

Lieutenant Arlert watched the face of his long-time employer and dare he say, _friend_ , carefully.  Eren looked ill at ease.  Was he perhaps worried about Mikasa?  She was highly capable, but it could be argued that the MI6 agent was just as good, maybe even better.

“Do you think he’s really slept with that many people?” Dr. Jaeger finally asked.  Armin felt his face do something funny, something he wasn’t sure it was supposed to do.  Eren blinked rapidly as he caught sight of his lieutenant’s expression.

“I, uh, I can’t say I’ve given it a lot of thought?”  He hadn’t meant that to come out sounding like a question.  Or so high-pitched.  He hoped none of the men heard.  “It’s just- well, there _have_ been a lot of rumors.”

“If he’s really been with that many people, don’t you think the odds are high that he has some sort of venereal disease?”

Oh.  Okay.  Maybe he was concerned about Mikasa.

“A rumor by definition is false.  If it were true, it’d be a fact,” Armin said, reassuringly.  Now _he_ was worried about Mikasa.  Hopefully she used protection.  It would be terrible if their best assassin was taken down by untreated syphilis.

Or worse, something incurable. 

Perhaps he shouldn’t have instructed her to seduce him, she was too good at following orders.  Guilt began to eat away at the lieutenant.  She could just do a little seducing and kill him, right?  Was it necessary for her to go all the way?  He didn’t know how assassinations worked, he just built death rays and satellite-based weapons.  He strove to kill and threaten people from a distance.  Why did he think he knew anything about up close and personal murder?

“You have a point… but I’ve also heard the saying that most rumors have some basis in fact.”

The lieutenant readjusted his clipboard, not sure if the doctor was trying to have some sort of weird philosophical discussion.  If they didn’t have a deadline to stick to, Armin might have indulged him.

“It won’t matter after Mikasa’s through with him.  He’ll be dead.”

Dr. Jaeger grew unusually somber.  Even after all these years, it was difficult for Armin to guess what was going through that brilliant, villainous mind.

“It’s almost a shame.  He’s always managed to add a little extra thrill to our plans.”  He sounded almost wistful.

 _Wait_.  What?

“He’s always the reason we falter at the finish line,” the lieutenant said flatly wondering if the long, hectic days were starting to affect the doctor.  He continued in a kinder tone, “You should get some rest while we finish up.  I’ll let you know when Mikasa returns.”

The doctor seemed to snap back to himself, nodding absently at Armin’s suggestion.  He had a vaguely troubled look on his face, but it passed quickly.

-

Mikasa did not return.

However, Levi Ackerman did. 

Lieutenant Arlert found himself completely caught by surprise when he walked into what in hindsight, should have been a well-guarded control room.  It was suddenly glaringly obvious to him that many of their oversights were security-related.  He doubted Mr. Ackerman would get past the front door of their Caribbean island mountain top base if they did proper security checks and searches.

Also, maybe choosing something more discrete than a Caribbean island mountain top for their operational centers.  Sometimes he wondered if a city-center parking lot surrounded by one-way streets would be more difficult for MI6 to infiltrate.  Especially if it were rush hour.

His musings -which were entirely inappropriate for someone who currently had a gun trained at their head- were cut short as the secret agent gestured for him to sit in one of the computer chairs.  Armin complied and his hands were roughly tugged behind him and bound.  He wasn’t sure what, exactly they were bound with or where Mr. Ackerman had even found materials to restrain him, but he didn’t think he get far with that line of interrogation.

“Where’s Mikasa?” he asked instead.

“The woman you sent to kill me?” the agent smirked, “she’s a bit tied up at the moment, enjoying an ocean cruise with the local authorities.”

So it _was_ a yacht!  Or a boat of some type at least, but he was going to bet a yacht.  He suddenly recalled his conversation with Eren earlier and his worries from then.

“She’s not uh, that is, you haven’t…” Was there a polite way of asking someone if they were riddled with STD’s?

Before Armin could figure out how to word his question, a stream of guards burst into the room, weapons trained menacingly on Mr. Ackerman.  The secret agent looked almost bored as he lowered his own gun carefully to the floor before raising his hands in surrender, steely eyes trained on the man who walked in behind the armed guards.

Dr. Jaeger stared back levelly, but Lieutenant Arlert could see that he was pleased and he had a sneaking suspicion that it was less to do with having just apprehended the MI6 agent that had infiltrated _yet_ _another_ one of his fortresses and more to do with the fact that Levi Ackerman was still very much alive.

There was a suicidal streak to Eren that Armin had long been trying to ignore.

“Welcome, Mr. Ackerman.  I was wondering when you’d join us,” he said, as if he had always been expecting the double-oh agent to make it this far.  Complete bullshit. 

Armin was quickly released from his restraints and they were led out of the control room down to a large bay area where they held their staff meetings and occasional cocktail hours when they wanted to raise morale.  On Wednesday evenings he knew some of the men did a Zumba class there.

When they reached the bay and Armin saw it had been cleared of the office chairs and board table that had still been there twenty minutes ago, from their morning department progress report meeting.  The room had been repurposed for this new event, apparently.

Eren had reacted quickly upon discovering the breach, whenever that was.  The lieutenant had to give him credit for that.  Eren was good at broad plans, while Armin had always managed the details.  Where he liked to take his time, and examine a problem from every angle, Eren had always favored action, and was quick on his feet.

It was a talent that was showing itself now as the doctor had the guards strap down an irritated looking agent to what must have been an examination table from their modest on-base clinic.  Armin was admittedly impressed that Mr. Ackerman’s suit still managed to remain neat and pressed looking despite the manhandling.

Dr. Jaeger himself had brought out one of their older machines, something Armin was surprised Eren still kept around.  He hadn’t seen it in _years_ and found himself wondering where it had been stored.  Especially considering a handful of their previous bases had blown up, so Eren clearly hadn’t been keeping it in one of them.  Maybe he rented a storage unit?

It was a solar powered laser canon currently aimed at the examination table.  Not nearly as sophisticated as the giant beauty that was still undergoing completion, but nostalgic nonetheless.  It was one of the first destructive weapons he and the doctor had ever built together. 

It also had an inconveniently long charge time.

“It looks as though you finally ran out of luck, Mr. Ackerman,” Eren said, walking over to the canon to flip the power switch and adjust the intensity of the laser.  The machine hummed loudly as it fired up, and Eren needlessly adjusted the solar panels, looking up at the roofless bay towards the sun above and tilting the panel just so.

With as close as they were to the equator as long as the panels were pointed up, it would charge.

Over the course of six hours.

“I’d offer you a quicker death, but the last time we met, you destroyed the laboratory where I kept some of my more advanced weaponry.”

Armin dropped his head as unbidden thoughts of the weaponized car he had been lovingly modifying with pop-out machine guns in the door panels and retractable titanium spikes from the hubcaps.  It even had lasers.  God, he loved lasers.  The car’s weight had been tripled with the added features and got seven miles to the gallon at highway speeds, but it was magnificent.  The only reason it had even been in the lab at the time was for an oil change. 

“You could just shoot me,” the secret agent suggested and Armin wondered if the two of them weren’t both a little suicidal.

“Mr. Ackerman, given our history, I owe it to you to send you out in style.”

As far as Armin was concerned, they should be going medieval for what the double-oh agent did to his car.

 

Lt. Arlert watched worriedly as Dr. Jaeger sat in the control room, a tumbler of whiskey in one hand and the other hand currently propping up his jaw as he stared out the bullet-proof glass window into the bay below. 

Levi Ackerman was apparently taking a nap.

“How much longer before it’s charged?”

Eren looked at his watch.  “Two hours and forty-three minutes.”

“He’s not even trying to escape,” Armin muttered, shaking his head.  Despite his personal opinion that Mr. Ackerman should be shot execution-style and gotten over with, he was a little disappointed that the secret agent wasn’t even bothering to struggle.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have had him frisked…” Dr. Jaeger said.

Armin looked at him sharply.

“If you hadn’t, I can assure you this island would be up in flames.  One of our security specialists nearly lost his hand when he accidentally triggered that pen Ackerman had on him.”

“You’re right.  I just wasn’t expecting this to be so…” Eren gestured vaguely, “lackluster.”

“It’s a laser with a six-hour charge time.  Some lull in the action is expected.”

Eren leaned back in his charge, choosing to ignore Armin’s logic in favor of gazing down at the bay area considering.

“I suppose I could torment him a little.  I won’t be able to do it again after this…”

This time, the Lieutenant was sure he wasn’t mistaking the regret he heard in his superior’s voice.  Apparently Eren was going to miss the MI6 agent.  Armin couldn’t fathom why.  He thought about his beloved car again.  No, he absolutely could not understand the sentiment.

He watched as Eren abruptly stood up from his chair, and walked over to check his reflection in the two-way mirror along the other side of the room.  It was actually an error in construction and was originally supposed to be installed on the floor below them, but by the time the mistake had been realized, it was too late to change.  Armin couldn’t remember if they had bothered to toss the foreman into the shark tank in Eren’s office or not.

He was taken out of his thoughts as he noticed that Dr. Jaeger was apparently _preening_ in front of the mirror.  A comb had been whipped out of his pocket and was currently sweeping the sides of his hair back.  Fascinated, Armin watched while Eren straightened his already straight collar and smoothed down the double row of buttons on the front of his lab-coat slash military inspired jacket.  He brushed imaginary dust off his slacks and gave himself a final once-over before leaving the room humming to himself.

Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to ensure there was a lifeboat stocked and ready to go.

-

“Are you comfortable Mr. Ackerman?” Eren asked genially.

Levi’s steel eyes snapped to the approaching evil madman.  The tall brunet practically sauntered his way over to the examination table the agent was currently snapped to.

“It’s about time, Jaeger.  I was rather bored.”

“You’ll have to forgive me for being such an inattentive host.  I’m afraid you stopped in at an inconvenient time.  You should have called ahead,” Eren responded with a smirk. 

“I didn’t have your number.”

“That would be a problem,” Eren acknowledged, running a finger along the table’s edge as he drew closer.  “Still, had I known you were coming, I would have given you a proper reception.”

“My fault for dropping in uninvited,” Levi said drily.  Eren’s smirked slipped into a smile before he could catch it, but it was gone again in a moment.

He was about to respond when a deafening explosion rocked the ground beneath his feet and he clamped his hand onto the agent’s arm to steady himself.  They looked at each other wide-eyed for a minute.

“Was that your doing?”

Levi shook his head.

“Not this time.”

Eren gave him another searching look before nodding and running off in the direction of the explosion to determine the harm. 

-

Armin watched, horrified as great plumes of black smoke rose from the laser.  The mountaintop itself was crumbling at its base.  Even now, the men were scrambling to contain the flames and stabilize the laser to prevent any further damage. 

The crackle of the radio on his belt stole his attention as a general alert went out over the channel of a large-scale security breach.

“No duh,” he said, listening as the report stated that a number of uniformed men had invaded the compound, although the voice had crackled out for which country or organization.

It would seem that Mr. Ackerman didn’t need to do anything to bring them bad luck and devastation.  Another plan down the tubes.  Several months once again wasted.

It was a good thing they stole their funds and a number of their materials otherwise they’d have filed for bankruptcy more times than he could count. 

The radio had finished chirping when Armin unclipped it from his belt.

“All available units engage enemy forces.  I repeat, all available units engage enemy forces.”

It would hopefully distract whomever had infiltrated the base long enough for him to find Eren and make it to the life raft.  It would take him a couple minutes to reach the bay.  The life raft itself was in a cave accessible through an emergency hatch in Eren’s office.  The base was actually riddled with emergency exits, experience being an uncompromising teacher on how necessary they were.

Finalizing the route he was going to take in his mind, he moved.

-

Eren saw through the gaping hole in his wall that there was a small swarm of soldiers advancing up one of the access roads some ways away yet.  Judging by the pandemonium immediately surrounding him, they were the reinforcements.  He chewed his lip and spun on his heel, heading back the way he had come.  He knew when to fight and he knew when he was beat.

The priority now was escape.

He took out his phone and dialed his head of security.

“Yes, Doctor?”

“Send out the alert to evacuate,” Eren said and hung up, walking briskly in the direction he had come from.

He burst back into the bay to find Mr. Ackerman still strapped to the table, but head raised to look at him curiously.  Eren quickly made his way over to him and started to undo his bonds, much to the surprise of the agent.  Another set of footsteps rushed into the bay only to suddenly stop.

“Eren, what are you doing?”

Dr. Jaeger briefly glanced up at his lieutenant before turning his attention back to the straps.

“Armin, help me get him loose.”

“But-”

“That’s SPECTRE that just broke in.  I don’t think they’re currently too fond of _any_ of us.”

Armin was on the other side loosening the bonds and looking very torn before he knew it. 

“Trouble in paradise?” Levi asked.

They stepped back as Levi sat up, Eren reaching out a hand to help him down, which to Armin’s surprise, the agent took.

“We may have taken a few odds and ends off their hands to build our laser.  I guess we forgot to ask first.”  Eren sounded very cavalier as he relayed this bit of information. 

To Armin’s surprise, the MI6 agent actually chuckled at that.  The look he shot Dr. Jaeger almost looked… fond.  Armin quickly looked away.  Either he was working too hard or it was real, but it really wasn’t anything he wanted to see in any scenario.  He didn't have time to waste agonizing over helping an adversary, anyway.

“We can use one of the exits in your office,” he said to the two behind him and cleared his throat, “If you’ll both follow me.”

It was only a few fluorescent lit corridors to run through and they were bursting into Eren’s office.  Armin rushed to Eren’s desk, pressing a button to open the correct escape route and then ushering the other two through.  He tried not to think about how he was helping their mortal enemy escape _from_ their base.

-

Eren eyed the base with no small amount of resignation as he pulled out his phone and began tapping at the screen.  He had really liked the way they had designed and laid out that particular one.  Their next base wouldn’t be complete for three months due to unforeseen construction delays.  Lieutenant Arlert had been overseeing a good deal of it, flying out to the site every few weeks.  He had reported that their next laser should be finished shortly after the base itself was.  Eren just wasn’t keen on how cold that location was. 

“I hope you’re calling for a rescue copter,” Levi said.

“Not quite,” Eren said before hitting the send button.  “Self-destruct sequence.”

Levi blinked at him unimpressed as a series of explosions suddenly wracked the island behind them.

“ _Now_ , I’ll call for that chopper.”

The MI6 agent rolled his eyes.  Armin still caught the ghost of a smile on his face, though. 

The Lieutenant reached for the bag he had packed ahead of time and pulled his tablet to start going through his checklist of post-base attack.  There were insurance claims to make, personnel to account for, and transport deliveries to reroute.  He would also need a defense lawyer for Mikasa or a jailbreak.  More likely the latter.  He needed something to occupy his mind so he could ignore the fact that Eren Jaeger and Levi Ackerman were making eyes at each other.

He was starting to wish he had set up his own life raft.

-

They landed on an island in the Florida Keys with a semi-private resort, thanks to the GPS that had been tucked into the emergency pack.  Eren and Armin got rooms for the time being while Mr. Ackerman slipped off presumably to some other world-saving mission.

It was two days later that the Lieutenant was striding excitedly down the corridor to Dr. Jaeger’s room.

Armin had finally arranged for their new base to take on the role of command center.  It wasn’t complete yet, but after several discussions with the foreman, they were going to push priority completion to security and control systems and should be up and running within two weeks while construction continued on secondary assets.  They would have limited kitchen facilities, and would have to temporarily house men in a transport bay until the living facilities were finished, but it was perfectly doable. He could also happily report that Mikasa was officially out of incarceration with only minor damages to the jail she had been held in.

He eagerly knocked on the door, clipboard in hand and waited, listening to the shuffling inside the room. 

The door opened and Armin found himself face to face with Levi Ackerman.  In a bathrobe.  Very hastily and loosely tied, at that.

“Ah… I thought you were the room service.”  The MI6 agent sounded vaguely disappointed. 

Armin blinked stupidly at him and then started peering around his shoulder.  “Is… um, where is Dr. Jaeger?”

Levi turned back to call into the hotel room, “Eren, your henchman is here.”

There was a padding of feet and then Eren appeared behind Levi, also in a bathrobe.  Armin only allowed his brain to short circuit for a moment before cleared his throat and strode into the room.  He didn’t need to think about this, he just needed to focus on the reason he was there.  New base, new base, nude base, nude agent. 

“I wanted to give you a status report,” he began, side-eyeing the secret agent.

Eren perked up, gesturing to the couch for Armin to sit while he took one of the chairs.  Mr. Ackerman walked over to sit on the arm of Eren’s chair and Armin found himself very unsure of what to say.  Was he supposed to overlook what was going on? 

His life was going to Hell.  He knew it, but it wasn’t the time to have a breakdown.  He had to see to the task at hand.

He could feel his mouth open and close.  It wasn’t until he heard his own voice that he realized he was speaking aloud.

“Do you have STD’s?”

It seemed like he wasn’t the only one that could impersonate a fish.  Mr. Ackerman recovered first, folding his arms across his chest and levelling Armin with what he assumed was a disapproving look.  It was hard to tell; those eyes didn’t lend much to expression.

“Anything untreatable is career-ending in MI6, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

“Is that why you’re here and not back in England?”

“No.  I’m here because I was invited and because there is a requisite downtime after every mission.”

“What about a debriefing?”

“Wi-fi and Skype.”

There was a moment where no one said anything.

“You don’t really use Skype, do you?” Armin asked, sure he was having his leg pulled.

“You had a progress report?” Dr. Jaeger interrupted.

Now Armin was conflicted.  Well, more so, anyway.  Or maybe he was just very confused.

“Right.  Uh… do you really want… in front of…” The Lieutenant’s shoulders slumped. 

“It’s fine,” Eren waved dismissively.

“He’s still with MI6.  A one-night stand is hardly the basis-”  The looks on both their faces made Armin pause.  “This is just a fling, right?”

The two looked at each other and Eren sighed before looking back at Armin.  “We decided to keep our personal relationship and our professional relationship separate.”

“How?  He’s the one MI6 sends after us.  _Every_ time!  Are you going to invite him to dinner at the base and then for desert, he blows it up?  Like he blew up my car?  What about if you go back to prison?  Will there be conjugal visits?  Oh my God… is this how he always finds us?  How long has this been going on?  Have I just been building lasers for absolutely no reason this entire time?”  Armin stopped, sucking in a deep breath.

There was stunned silence.  The Lieutenant was not one known for his outbursts.

“I apologize for your car.”

“This isn’t about the car!”  It may have been slightly about the car.

“Also, Levi and I just started seeing each other,” Dr. Jaeger added, as if consoling a child whose divorced parent had recently started dating again, which wasn’t actually that comforting.

“Besides, SPECTRE has your numbers, so I would suggest lying low for the next few months.  They’ll be a much bigger problem for you than MI6.”

This was not logical.  There was no way this was going to end well.  For anyone.

Armin set his clipboard to the side and levelled Dr. Jaeger with a tired look.

“Well, it’s your call.  Do we hide and let MI6 clean up or do we use them as cover to aim a laser at SPECTRE?”

“I don’t see we can’t give MI6 a hand on this one, unofficially,” Eren shrugged.

Armin looked down at his clipboard, shoulders tense.  He took in a breath slowly and exhaled.

“Then I’ll consider this a truce and adjust plans accordingly.”

“The agency doesn’t condone working with international criminals,” Mr. Ackerman said in false protest.  Probably because he felt he had to at least offer a disclaimer on the acceptance of their proposed services.  He didn’t actually sound as if he cared one way or the other.

“I’d say there’s a lot going on here the agency doesn’t condone,” Armin replied flatly.

Neither one paid him any attention.

 

End.


End file.
